CSAAM April 2011 - I was a good girl

After 12 days of tussling with the idea, I have finally decided to write. I have been re-tweeting a number of tweets on Child Sexual Abuse(CSA) by @CSAAwareness and the survivor stories shared in the CSA blog. Last time I wrote about CSA, I received a comment asking me whether I was being paranoid. At that point, I really did not have the courage to say exactly what I felt like saying. But this time, having read all the stories in the CSA blog, I think its time to tell my friends why I am not being paranoid about CSA, when I talk about it.

To begin with, let me share a poem, I wrote a few years back. It was to be published in book named "Sheher" but the project was stalled. (blowing my own trumpet ;-)). "Sheher" would have been a collection of urban poetry by Indian women. My submission seems to be quite apt to be shared here. Mind you, I dont write poetry, but I wrote this.

I thought I was a good girl

I thought I was a good girl
Mummy counted till ten
I finished my milk on eight
So given to authority
I was my teacher's pet

Dad's friend dropped by
Stayed home, a few days
Dark corners, beneath the stairs
Even the sacred pooja room
Were the gods watching?

He was nice and soft
But most of all
I remember he taught me
A few new things
Funny, it felt
Dont know what it meant
It wasn't bad
It was just numb and queer
Numb and queer!
Didn't know these words then
Language betrayed.
I could not tell mom
I just drank the milk
That was long ago
He still hangs around
In different forms
I am thinking, I can’t decide
Can I blame him? Or him? Or him?
Can I?
Because, you know,
I thought I was a good girl
I finished my milk on eight

I shall refrain from saying anything about the abuse per se, only because its not important. Consider me saying, "been there, done that" and I would not wish it even on an abuser's child. Only to answer those who still doubt whether its all a big noise, I would like to tell you that I had the misfortune of having encountered two abusers over a sustained period of time before I was 10 and I know it started sometime when I was 4. Also consider many of the items on the checklist ticked - the abusers were known members of the family, i did not talk about it and kept it secret, the abuse continued with other children in the family and when shared with some elder cousins, was scoffed off as our imagination. Nightmares and a few other long term impacts do keep me company. I hope you do not brush past the blogs and tweets like its another "cause". It happens, close to us, and it leaves a scar that one takes a lifetime to deal with.

In a few weeks time, I am 'turning 30'. Yuck! I hate it. Well, that is for another post ;-). But if there is something I am glad about the grey hair on my head, its this - that many of my issues are no longer just mine and therefore the need to share. You, the reader, needs to know that, a person you knew, has been abused. Its much closer home. Get that, if you can. And therefore this post is also more about the healing process rather than about the abuse itself.

The first thing I have to tell you is that, I no longer feel like a victim. Seriously. Which is why I loved this movie too - Hard Candy. It is a 2005 psychological thriller film focusing on the confrontation between an assumed sexual predator and a not so innocent 14-year-old girl. See this movie to realise that the abuser is not necessarily a social outcast or a slimy old man. It could be someone as handsome as Patrick Wilson

Ellen Page, like always, is brilliant and you will wish every girl was as intelligent. Ya, although, not as violent! "Just because a girl knows how to imitate a woman, does not mean that she is ready to do what a woman does" She says. The movie is wonderful because it understands the nuances and the complexities that often shrouds child sexual abuse and the many excuses that abusers have. There is no excuse and when a fourteen year old tells you that - the message is clear.

Here's a scene from the movie.

I have felt as angry but not anymore. My first step in the healing process was when I attended the World Social Forum in Bombay in the year 2004. I guess, I naturally wandered into a stall on child sexual abuse and saw a movie. I think I realised for the first time, that I was not alone and felt how empowered one could feel by talking about it openly. It was an education for me. That, what happened was not something I needed to be ashamed about. The healing process had begun. In TISS, it became further easy as there were several social work students, who were dealing with victims of abuse and talking about it, became further normal. There are a few more battles to be won. But the biggest hurdle of 'guilt' is crossed, I think. I would also not hesitate to take professional help like counseling or therapy.

Why am I writing this post?

I have to admit. Its difficult.

And yet, I think its time for families to read. I am not too sure how my family will respond. I have seen them and many like them, so disturbed at the mention of sexual abuse, that I am scared, they may not respond well, given a situation. You would read in the CSA Awareness blog that your reaction to a victim's first disclosure is CRITICAL. Your own comfort in discussing these issues is what will even enable him/her to talk about the issue if the child happens to go through such an experience. Stop being an ostrich. Open up to the issue.

If you are someone who has gone through abuse, I hope you realise you can survive it too. I hope you will take professional help, if that is what is needed for leading a normal life. I hope, you know, you dont have to live with depression, eating disorders, low self esteem and intimacy issues in your relationship. I hope you know, you dont have to wait till 30 to start talking about it. Most importantly, I hope you will stop feeling and behaving like a victim. Get on with life. If possible, heal. If you can, take responsibility to spread the message and save our children. That too, can help you heal. It helped me. It is not about us anymore. It is about the safety of our children.

If you know me personally, that's fine too. I hope you realize it happens in our world. If possible, refrain from judging.

I repeat. Its not about me, anymore.



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This post comes as part of the Child Sexual Abuse Awareness Month – April 2011 blog. The CSAAM April 2011 is an effort by a group of bloggers, both parents and non parents, to bring this topic to the fore, to generate discussion and awareness and remove the shroud of silence that covers it. To participate, you could link your facebook note to their facebook page, you could mail them your contribution at csa.awareness.april@gmail.com or you could write in your blog with their badge and link it to the main blog, like I've done here. You could also follow them at @CSAAwareness in twitter. Anonymous contributions are accepted and requests for anonymity will be honoured. Please do write to csa.awaresness.april@gmail.com with the necessary links so that your posts do not get lost.

Take a look at their home page: http://csaawarenessmonth.wordpress.com/ You will also find information about several organisations working in the area of CSA. Please do reach out.

If you are parent, Parents Handbook on Preventing CSA could be handy. This too is available in the resources section in the CSA Awareness blog.

As an appendix, find below a list of some of the tweets from CSA Awareness, It gives you a one glance information about what is an abuse, how you can detect abuse, long term impacts of CSA, some tips of dealing with CSA once you detect it and how to prevent CSA. The numbers given here, are based on the study conducted by RAHI. The study, titled Voices from the Silent Zone, is a research report based on the statistics of 600 women who share their experiences of CSA.

If you have something to share and dont have a blog, I will be happy to let you do a guest post here.

Take care :)